Almost the Same

After I had a baby, I didn't recognize my own body. I have a scar across my lower abdomen that still twinges with pain every once in a while. My breasts are completely different, especially after spending so many hours plugged into a pump. I spent a year obsessing over my food intake and hydration levels, wanting to make sure I was eating and drinking enough to maintain my milk supply. My body lost the baby weight in some places and held onto it in others. I knew pregnancy and post-partum were going to bring body changes, but I wasn't truly prepared for how different I would look and feel. Trying to make sense of a body you don't recognize is hard enough, but it's even harder when you've never felt quite at home in your body to begin with. I've had body dysmorphia since I was a pre-teen. It's most likely a result of growing up in the toxic diet culture of the 90s and 2000s. I genuinely have never felt like I knew what my body looked like. When I was at my th...

Before I was pregnant, I viewed childbirth as the most natural thing in the world. I'm not saying I wanted an unmedicated home birth, but I just figured when it was time, my body would figure out what it needed to do. Boy, was I humbled quickly.  At 37 weeks pregnant, I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension. I think a large part of it was because of my job, which was unnecessarily stressful at the time. But either way, the doctor ordered me to stay home and try to keep my blood pressure down. My doctor and I decided I would be induced at 39 weeks, since my baby was measuring large for gestational age and I was still having borderline high blood pressure readings. I was totally on board with the plan. I was uncomfortable, in pain, and ready to meet my baby! So, at 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I was admitted to the hospital for my scheduled induction. Things moved slowly, but I was assured that was normal since I was a first-time mom. After about 12 hours, I sensed that my med...

 "You need a hobby." I love my husband, but UGH. He seriously expects me to add one more thing to my already overflowing plate?! The look of disdain I shot him probably said more than enough, but since I have a problem keeping my mouth shut, I said: "That's an insane thing to say, especially given you know how much I'm already juggling."  I'm a new mom, I just started a new job, I commute 45 minutes to the office 5 days a week, I'm exclusively pumping for my son (who REFUSED to latch, but that's another blog post), I do all the cleaning in the house, and, like most moms, I carry the majority of the mental load for the family. I barely have time to sit down and have a snack after work, and now he wants me to start a hobby?! I fear this man has lost his mind! "You need a hobby BECAUSE you are juggling so much," he calmly tells me. "You don't have an outlet, you need to do something that's just for you..." I immediately b...