Dressing a Body I Don't Recognize

After I had a baby, I didn't recognize my own body. I have a scar across my lower abdomen that still twinges with pain every once in a while. My breasts are completely different, especially after spending so many hours plugged into a pump. I spent a year obsessing over my food intake and hydration levels, wanting to make sure I was eating and drinking enough to maintain my milk supply. My body lost the baby weight in some places and held onto it in others. I knew pregnancy and post-partum were going to bring body changes, but I wasn't truly prepared for how different I would look and feel. Trying to make sense of a body you don't recognize is hard enough, but it's even harder when you've never felt quite at home in your body to begin with.

I've had body dysmorphia since I was a pre-teen. It's most likely a result of growing up in the toxic diet culture of the 90s and 2000s. I genuinely have never felt like I knew what my body looked like. When I was at my thinnest, I felt enormous. When I was at my biggest, I had no clue. When I was at my strongest, I resented the muscles that got me there. When I see pictures of myself from any age, I'm often stunned at how different I look compared to my perception of how I looked at the time. Then, you add a pregnancy to the mix, and I felt like a total stranger in my body. 

For a while after giving birth, I was stuck in a weird in-between: maternity clothes were too big, but my pre-pregnancy clothes didn't fit either. I got by with stretchy basics and hand-me-downs from my mom's closet. They worked, but I never felt good in them. They were just something to cover my body, not something I felt good about putting on in the morning. 

So, about a month ago, I decided to do something about it.

I'm shopping sales and looking for pieces that actually spark joy. I'm cleaning out my closet and getting rid of anything that doesn't make me feel confident. I'm following influencers on Instagram who post fashion advice for people who look like me. Some styles I never used to wear now look great on me. Others I used to love? Gone. I'm figuring it out, and honestly, I'm having fun doing it. Getting dressed for work, or for a weekend out with friends and family, feels exciting again. I'm rediscovering my love for shopping, fashion, and in the process, also rediscovering my confidence. 

So, I'm committed to working on my confidence, and I'm having fun doing it, one budget-friendly piece at a time. Because here's the thing I realized: if I don't like the way I look, how can I expect anyone else to? 

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